* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.