* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
is it earth
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Children of the corn 🌽
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.