*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
FRED: right
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife