*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!