[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough