*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.