I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You Might Also Like
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.