[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?