*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”