[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
what’s more important?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE