[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.