[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
i really liked this one
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’