4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Goodnight 🐶
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Noah
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell