Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*