*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me