“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend