Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.