*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Love this guy
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up