[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*