[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons