[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Important reminders
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.