[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
OKAY DAD
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence