[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My purse is deeper than some people.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.