*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”