*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
You Might Also Like
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Midwest trash talk
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.