(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
A short story of betrayal:
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.