Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You Might Also Like
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Never mess with a drunken pig.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: