Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
The human personality is made of five key elements
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.