This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.