Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
That 👊
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.