@birbigs: Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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@Jenny4ashley: My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don't exist in real life, just on tv.
@Thynebear: [wife walks in on me showering] "Why are you wearing swim trunks?" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY
@charliedelta7: McD's drive thru: Welcome back. Me: Welcome back? That's pretty presumptuous. MDT: ... M: ... MDT: The usual? Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.