@birbigs: Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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@rockymomax: [first day as 911 operator] ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss* BOSS: emergency ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
@Brianhopecomedy: Cashier: "Sir, the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow." "COOL, I'LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN."
@cray_at_home_ma: Triscuits are a good snack if you've already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands