@birbigs: Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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@michaeljhudson: Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo
@donjuantip: i've decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I'm adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.
@AnkCoupleTO: "I'm so sorry" "No, I'm really sorry" "No, I'm even sorrier than you" "No, I'm the sorriest ever!" *mutual hug* -Canadian rap battle
@neverknownfacts: Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.