@birbigs: Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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@Playing_Dad: Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don't worry, I didn't want you to get me anything anyway. No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
@Home_Halfway: Sometimes I'll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell "THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!" until I'm kicked out
@AmnesiaRose: *knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand *answers her alarm clock, "hello?"
@SteveSuckington: ME: in closing, all of the facts I've presented today prove that Bush did 911 PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written