Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*