:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
get you a girl who
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.