Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Just a bush.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
This is me
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets