Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then