@bourgeoisalien: Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it's like: "Whoa...that guy has a job AND owns a home?"
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@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@JermHimselfish: I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
@Xalqee: "If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, If I act like I'm asleep he'll leave, if I act like I'm asleep he'll leave" - Me getting pulled over
@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.