Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.