I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
We decided to have money instead of children.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.