I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.