*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.