I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
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My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult