@_emilyoram: Sadiq's joke in today's Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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@jergarl: Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my résumé W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?
@pleatedjeans: [spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
@daemonic3: Barista: "Welcome to Starbucks!" Me: "Large coffee please." B: "It's venti!" Me: "Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee."