Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I don’t know what to do
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
if you compliment a dudeโs shirt, you better mean it, because thatโs the only shirt heโll wear out for the next five years.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Iron: youโre always trying to turn me into something Iโm not!
Blacksmith:
i havenโt seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ainโt right
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentineโs Day bc heโs sick of everyoneโs germs.
โI wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.โ
Genius idea!!
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasรฉ about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single