Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ππΌππΌππΌ
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, youβre having an exitstencil crisis?
Canβt, Iβm in big trouble with the wife. I didnβt notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Him: youβre beautiful.
Her: no Iβm not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: youβre crazy, Iβm hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that heβs currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is β151 percent awesomeβ
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir Iβm so sorry
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Yoda: βYou must unlearn what you have learned.β
Me: βGot it.β
*shits pants*
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My son just let a girl βborrowβ his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because itβs waaaay more embarrassing