Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?