@gerryhallcomedy: Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.
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@DougBenson: I don't like it when my phone puts a word in "quotals" like I made it up or I'm stupid or something.
@mrtruthandsoul: Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
@jessokfine: Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
@TheToddWilliams: GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football? ME: Okay, I'm a quarterback with wings