@gerryhallcomedy: Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.
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@neiltyson: Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
@david8hughes: "So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?" "The usual, self defecating." "Ha, I think you mean deprecating." "Think all you like."
@RealLucasNeff: [The Bachelor] Some of you will be getting roses tonight... [bee in the back] AW HELL YEAH