Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.