Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.