Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁