[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
You Might Also Like
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
WHO DID THIS?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I really had high hopes for this year though
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions