Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
You Might Also Like
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.